Tomato sandwiches revisited - guest blogger and her big titted girlfriend!!

Since they've been working the hell out of me at my job, I've neglected this blog, and am taking advantage of the mirth and mad skillz of one of our friends who has limited tolerance for my boundless devotion to my hot girlfriend... here you go, Tomato sandwiches, done right:

My big-tittied girlfriend and I do not cook. I never have; she is too tired after work to bother with it. Hence, we eat out... a lot. However, being creatures of habit, we tend to go to only to three restaurants with any sort of regularity: Dot's Back Inn, Zeus Gallery and Davis & Main. This entry will not be about any of those places. Instead, this is about me fending for myself; or, What I Do for Meals When R. Works Late.

I read in a different and far superior foodie blog about the tomato sandwiches prepared for someone known as My Lovely Girlfriend K. Whatever. But it jarred my memory -- my brother had given me a bunch of homegrown tomatoes about a week ago. I decided a tomato sandwich was in order. I opened the refrigerator to see if they had become rotten, as most of my produce does. Lo and behold, they seemed to be OK. I debated washing them off......I HATE getting my hands wet because I must then IMMEDIATELY put hand lotion on them, but on the off chance some neighborhood dog took a piss or a shit on or near the tomatoes, i rinsed them off.

After scurrying to the bathroom for hand lotion, I sliced the tomatoes. They looked pretty good - just like every other tomato I've ever seen. Next came bread -- I had purchased a Brand New Loaf of Sunbeam bread just days before......undoing the twisty-tie thing I reached in past the first 5-6 slices. I never eat them. I think they are gross. I laid the slices on a paper towel with the sides lined up so they would be stacked correctly on top of one another upon Sandwich Completion. The next task was the most important -- application of mayonnaise. Proper mayo application is crucial because it has to be enough to keep the tomato juices from seeping into the bread, making a soggy pink mess, yet not so much that it squishes out of the sides of the bread and touches my hands. (see reference above regarding hand-washing)

I only buy Duke's mayonnaise because it is The Secret of Great Southern Cooks. It says so - right on the lid. The tomato slices are carefully arranged on the right hand bread slice. They must lie flat and cover as much bread without having any of slices overlap. If that is a possibility, I cut the slices into the appropriate shape. Next came cheese......as i cracked open the cellophane of the new package of Kraft Singles, my mouth began to water. What's not to love about plastic, perfectly square cheese slices?!!! Said cheese is placed upon the left hand slice. It is critical that the ingrediants go onto the "correct" side -- cheese is ALWAYS on the left. Then, pepper is sprinkled onto the cheese - only pepper is put on the cheese - the black on orange/yellow is aesthetically necessary for me. Salt on tomato slices. The cheese slice side is placed on top of the tomato side......ahh......bliss.